Wint3r-S

I was meant to write this a few days ago, but I forgot. And now I just remembered at half one in the morning. Oh well, I might aswell type this up now because I will probably forget in the morning.

I am not sure how many people know, but if I did tell you, then at the time, I had no idea what I was feeling, so I just took a small confusing thought, and made it bigger than it actually was. Now that I have managed to think about various aspects of that thought, I have come to the conclusion of what I really feel, rather than just rushing into something like this.

Before I forget to say, this is that thing I said a while ago, that I needed to speak to people irl about. I have done that and everything is good.

Actually, I have two things to say. One of these things will most likely change, due to the fact that I have some basic feelings, but those need work in order for them to work with me.

Before I try and delay myself, I'll just tell you.

I'm bisexual.

(I have tried to type a follow-up sentence. But I really have no idea what to say, that makes sense. So I will just go onto my second feeling/thought)

I want to become androgynous. That said, I really have no idea what gender identity will fit me. I know I am a guy, but I dont feel like this fits me 100%. I probably won't go as far as to swap genders, because I don't feel like the opposite sex. So staying around the middle would probably fit me.

It will also be a varied thing, as some days I look at myself in the mirror and see myself in a very feminine way, and other times I just see myself as a guy, with a slight feminine feel. (I just realised the iPad is auto-correcting "feminine" into "feline", if you notice myself being referred to as a cat. My apologies.)

So yeah, I dont really have that much to say about my sexuality. Mainly because I have never dated a guy, so I can't really give too much info on my feeling on that. But I have had thought about dating guys, and I feel like it would feel right. But like the gender thing, it varies day to day.


I really don't know how to conclude this, mainly because I am tired, and I feel like my tiredness will taint this journal entry with weird shit.

~Winter~

P.S. Winter (not me, but the other guy) I have just rebooted my PC, and I am hoping to start running steam again. Also, could I have a link to the team joker site? I seem to have misplaced the link, and I feel like the site should work now.

P.P.S, due to this whole coming about business and me finally accepting who I am for the most part, the depression shit had mostly gone away. But I was hit with some very interesting feelings recently. I'll explain tomorrow...probably.

I will be quick with this. Because for some reason I am starting to get negative feelings as soon as I opened this.

(I felt fine, but after I started to write this, the good feelings are draining. Ikd why.)

I am fine. Depression is starting to go to an extent, I have started to realise various things about myself, and they are starting to make me lose most of the depression stuff. (I dont want to say anything yet, untill I have at least told people IRL.) But hopefully I will be able to get everything sorted out, and to hopefully get somewhere.

(Some people know, but I don't know who exactly. People can guess if they want.)


(For those who it concerns-) I would be on steam, but I'm on Linux and although Steam is available on Linux. It's buggy as fuck. I cant stand Windows on this PC because it just feels slow and clunky.


So yeah. College is alright I guess. Although its good, its tedious and I just feel awkward and out of place.




I don't know what else to say. I'm fine(?), encase you were wondering.

~~Matt~~

I am writing this just before I go to sleep. So many error will be fixed tomorrow/later on today.


I'll keep this brief.

Basically, I have not been doing any artwork recently. Because I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't draw people. I don't even know anything pony now. So I don't know what I can do.

I tried tumblr, and it still hasn't caught on to me. I have tried tumblr on three separate occasions. That's three accounts.

I don't want to call hiatus on myself. I just need to find something.

Its just with all this depression issues I am getting, I just feel like shit half the time. Don't worry, I'll PROBABLY say/hint to my parents about this. But I am not having medication. I just want a diagnosis. Then I will be satisfied. But not happy.

The thing is all these kind of sites just make me feel bad. I go on here, and I read comments on other peoples accounts, and I see all these happy, thriving friendships from people, and I just feel sad because my life isn't like that. Isn't happy.

Same goes for Tumblr. I see people on there. Best friends. Having fun, and exchanging in-jokes and the like. And I know I will never fit into that. I know I will never be like that.

So here is to everyone, who once made me feel complete. I want those good times back.

Here's to Derpy, Goofydude, Crade, Seaweed, Ver, Isaac, Jack, Harvey, Ester, Michy, Sammy, Dylan, Nicholas, Chloe, Yelling at Cats, Berry Punch, Winter Twister, TheWaffler, and many others.

Looks like I have forgotten your names. Maybe it's tiredness, maybe its depression.

Maybe my mind is falling apart and I can't even remember the names of people who bought simple joy into my life.

I want happiness. But I don't deserve it. People keep praising me, but I dont want it.
And what really annoys me, is when people acknowledge me, when there are other people who should have attention and..I don't want to say it.

I'll end this here, before it gets any worse.


Also, I may have made myself colourblind in my right eye. I'll check in the morning, just to be sure.

-Matt-
-Winter-


...

I am writing this just before I go to sleep. So many error will be fixed tomorrow/later on today.


I'll keep this brief.

Basically, I have not been doing any artwork recently. Because I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't draw people. I don't even know anything pony now. So I don't know what I can do.

I tried tumblr, and it still hasn't caught on to me. I have tried tumblr on three separate occasions. That's three accounts.

I don't want to call hiatus on myself. I just need to find something.

Its just with all this depression issues I am getting, I just feel like shit half the time. Don't worry, I'll PROBABLY say/hint to my parents about this. But I am not having medication. I just want a diagnosis. Then I will be satisfied. But not happy.

The thing is all these kind of sites just make me feel bad. I go on here, and I read comments on other peoples accounts, and I see all these happy, thriving friendships from people, and I just feel sad because my life isn't like that. Isn't happy.

Same goes for Tumblr. I see people on there. Best friends. Having fun, and exchanging in-jokes and the like. And I know I will never fit into that. I know I will never be like that.

So here is to everyone, who once made me feel complete. I want those good times back.

Here's to Derpy, Goofydude, Crade, Seaweed, Ver, Isaac, Jack, Harvey, Ester, Michy, Sammy, Dylan, Nicholas, Chloe, Yelling at Cats, Berry Punch, Winter Twister, TheWaffler, and many others.

Looks like I have forgotten your names. Maybe it's tiredness, maybe its depression.

Maybe my mind is falling apart and I can't even remember the names of people who bought simple joy into my life.

I want happiness. But I don't deserve it. People keep praising me, but I dont want it.
And what really annoys me, is when people acknowledge me, when there are other people who should have attention and..I don't want to say it.

I'll end this here, before it gets any worse.


Also, I may have made myself colourblind in my right eye. I'll check in the morning, just to be sure.

-Matt-
-Winter-


...

I am writing this just before I go to sleep. So many error will be fixed tomorrow/later on today.


I'll keep this brief.

Basically, I have not been doing any artwork recently. Because I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't draw people. I don't even know anything pony now. So I don't know what I can do.

I tried tumblr, and it still hasn't caught on to me. I have tried tumblr on three separate occasions. That's three accounts.

I don't want to call hiatus on myself. I just need to find something.

Its just with all this depression issues I am getting, I just feel like shit half the time. Don't worry, I'll PROBABLY say/hint to my parents about this. But I am not having medication. I just want a diagnosis. Then I will be satisfied. But not happy.

The thing is all these kind of sites just make me feel bad. I go on here, and I read comments on other peoples accounts, and I see all these happy, thriving friendships from people, and I just feel sad because my life isn't like that. Isn't happy.

Same goes for Tumblr. I see people on there. Best friends. Having fun, and exchanging in-jokes and the like. And I know I will never fit into that. I know I will never be like that.

So here is to everyone, who once made me feel complete. I want those good times back.

Here's to Derpy, Goofydude, Crade, Seaweed, Ver, Isaac, Jack, Harvey, Ester, Michy, Sammy, Dylan, Nicholas, Chloe, Yelling at Cats, Berry Punch, Winter Twister, TheWaffler, and many others.

Looks like I have forgotten your names. Maybe it's tiredness, maybe its depression.

Maybe my mind is falling apart and I can't even remember the names of people who bought simple joy into my life.

I want happiness. But I don't deserve it. People keep praising me, but I dont want it.
And what really annoys me, is when people acknowledge me, when there are other people who should have attention and..I don't want to say it.

I'll end this here, before it gets any worse.


Also, I may have made myself colourblind in my right eye. I'll check in the morning, just to be sure.

-Matt-
-Winter-


...